The Midlife Revolution
No brainer
March 10, 2023
How could you???
Another question that has been keeping me consistent company for years.
I grew up in a culture where forgiveness was seen as a weakness.
I grew up believing that ‘I would never ever forgive’ betrayal.
I grew up and spent years being extremely judgemental, ruthless and removing people from my life if they did something or behaved in a way that I ‘disapproved’ of 
.
Until I got betrayed by my then boyfriend of six years…
I was so in love and to a large degree blamed myself for not being good enough, I suddenly saw that the emotionally horrendous situation I was in offered me a choice:
– to continue to go through life exactly as I did up until that point
or
– to take the lesson life was clearly trying to teach me and learn to forgive
I chose the latter…
I went through years of therapy.
Years of daily pain, obsessive thoughts and mental and emotional torture.
Years of feeling shame from people’s judgments about me – now ‘being seen as weak’ and staying with the betrayer instead of walking away with my head held high.
Years of hating the woman who knew me and pretended to be friendly with me whilst plotting her future with my then boyfriend behind my back… ‘how could a woman do it to another woman?’ I kept thinking.
Years of ‘how could you forgive?’ even from my closest people…
I persevered and persisted with the lesson. Ultimately, I ended up forgiving, learnt to trust again and was even proud of this achievement as it was so hard for me to get there.
Little did I know…
That I will later find out that whilst I thought I was living some of the best years in our relationship, I was in fact being betrayed again.
That following the surprising proposal in front of 400 people and whilst I thought I was living an actual fairy-tale – from planning the wedding and getting married in the most picturesque place in Austria to going on the most incredible honeymoons etc., I was in fact being betrayed again.
That my whole marriage was one big illusion as throughout every single day of it…I was in fact being betrayed.
When my fairy-tale abruptly ended on that faithful NYE 21/22, yet again I had a choice:
– to regret that I forgave in the first place and go back to my previous ‘I would never ever forgive’ attitude
or
– to forgive again
I chose the latter.
Practically unable to see anything through the tears flooding my face and with shaking hands, in the early hours of New Year’s Day – I filed for divorce, but decided that there clearly is something else I needed to learn about forgiveness and it somehow needs to play a role in my onward journey.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know and didn’t know what I needed to learn yet, but I knew that there must have been something since I’m back in the lesson…
Up until then, I knew Nelson Mandela’s famous quote that ‘not forgiving is like drinking poison 
and hoping the other person will die from it’ and I thought I knew what it really meant, but I didn’t.
It wasn’t until in a desperate search for effective solutions I started digging into neuroscience that I truly understood the meaning behind the quote I mentioned above.
Despite years of therapy and having worked with a number of therapists, the actual, physical impact our thoughts have on our emotions and our emotions, in turn, have on our bodies had never been part of the conversation.
I had no idea that:
Our thoughts dictate our emotions and our emotions kick off the chemical reactions in our bodies – which means that if you think angry, sad, painful thoughts, you will feel angry, sad etc…and more importantly – those emotions generate hormones of stress in our bodies.
Our brains don’t differentiate between real life threatening danger and stress generated by negative thoughts that are not real danger to our life at all.
To the 
there is no difference between you facing a predator or being stressed because you are thinking of something that makes you feel stressed (e.g. how could he?! Or how could a woman do it to another woman??) the same stress response is generated.
Our brains don’t know what’s happening right now, what I am remembering as a memory or what I am imagining so every time you go back to a memory – your mind and body think that you actually are in the situation, therefore the same thoughts, emotions and chemical reactions will follow.
Learning this was the difference that made the difference.
Now, I truly understand that not forgiving truly is ‘like drinking poison’ because carrying the stab wound everywhere with me and keep opening it by thinking how painful it was – would do nothing to anyone else other than actually poison my own body with a daily dose of hormones of stress.
No organism in nature is equipped to deal with prolonged periods of stress and that’s why over 90% of all illnesses are linked to stress.
We are poisoning our own bodies by the thoughts we are having.
Knowing that – why would I not forgive??
This time forgiveness didn’t take me years, it took me weeks.
It was, in fact, one of the easiest and most ‘no brainer’ parts of my journey to recovery.
‘How could you?’ The question still keeps me company on a regular basis, but now – instead of feeling like I have to defend my choice ‘to be seen as weak’, I can only respond with ‘how could I not?’
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that I forgot what happened, tried to erase it from my memory or buried my emotions.
It’s the opposite, in fact.
Forgiveness enabled me to be able to look at the past with no emotions. No sadness, no pain, no anger, no hurt, no heartbreak.
Because no one is worth your future to be influenced by your past.
Because no one is worth your present moment to be taken away by what had already happened and can’t be undone.
Because no one is worth you poisoning your body and impacting your health.
When you well and truly understand this, forgiveness is a no brainer.
May you know the true power of your ❤️ & 🧠
Love, Nina x
💫 Get better, not bitter
💫 Choose courage over fear
💫 Choose wisdom over wounds
💫 Lead with love and kindness